5. Hunger. An obvious but necessary reason. Let’s face it: if you don’t eat you will die. And while we may not know what happens to us after we die (that’s right, we’re getting existential early on in this one) what we do know is that there is pizza here … but maybe not there. So, ask yourself: Why not choose the pizza life?
4. Stress. College is a stressful time for students, teachers, and number 2 pencils. Prolonged exposure to exams, term papers, internships, and losing football teams can really accelerate that receding hairline. And though there are healthier ways to deal with stress–meditation, therapy, yoga, dancing-like-nobody-is-watching–there’s nothing quite like a slice.
3. Boredom. Ah, eating: the national pastime. Or maybe it’s just our nation’s preferred way to pass the time. Either way, when the wifi is down and the only thing happening on campus is a men’s water polo match (no offense, gentlemen), what else are you going to do? Write that paper you’ve been putting off? Pssh… yeah right. What you’re gonna do is order a large with everything on it, pop in that Elf DVD (sure, it’s only March but it’s also the only DVD my roommate packed), and get chewing.
2. Competition. Long story short: Your roommate thinks he can actually eat more slices than you. And you’re supposed to just freakin’ take that? Not a chance.
1. . Victory. Mop the floor with that scumbag, celebrate with another slice, and discover life’s singular truth: Pizza is the only meal you’ll ever need.
Kevin O’Connor is a 22-year-old college writer from Chicago. He moved to Jacksonville as a teenager and is currently a human communications major at the University of Central Florida. He’s worked for Lazy Moon since March 2015. He also writes, performs stand-up, and plays guitar in multiple bands.